Let Me love you into My light

Writing is therapy for me. I have piles of journals going back more than two decades of me pouring my heart out to God in writing. What I’m about to share comes directly from my journal tonight. It’s very raw and personal, but as I said, it’s therapy and hopefully someone else will get what I got from it.

I started the Elijah study yesterday and usually the moment I put my focus back on you I feel your presence and my hope and joy returns. I feel renewed in your presence. But that hasn’t happened. I still feel distant, dark and hopeless. I started thinking about how long it has been since I felt your light – your hope – your real, personal, “I’m right here” presence. And I really can’t remember a consistent time of that presence recently. I know you are still there, but it’s a foggy, unclear, at a distance and honestly that makes me sad to think about for too long. When I think about the overwhelming, stressful sadness that has surrounded me this past year and a half, I feel the weight of it pulling me down into the darkness, away from you. It’s part depression and despair, it’s part bitterness and resentment, it’s part wanting to ignore everything so I don’t have to look at it.

My year and half:

· Two friends lost their young son tragically

· Two spiritual giants that I served with in the mission field passed away from Covid.

· My sister almost lost her battle with Covid and has struggled for months with health issues from the aftermath

· My sister-in-law and brother-in-law lost their young son tragically.

· My other sister lost her husband tragically to Covid.

· I caught Covid for the first time and it took a few months to recover. Zapping almost every ounce of energy I had.

· The second to last day of the year I got Covid again and the fear of what could happen with a second round overwhelmed my spirit.

· Having absolutely no idea what to say or do to help any of those situations. Helplessness of not being able to fix the hurt.

The Lord speaking to me:

Christy I need you to give yourself some grace. This whole tragic time you have given into the enemy whispering in your ear, “You keep messing up, you’re not doing what God wants you to do, you are never going to accomplish what God has called you to do because you are lazy and disobedient.” Stop allowing the enemy to keep you down in the depressed darkness. My deepest desire is not about what you can do for me. My deepest desire is simply you! Right here, right now, knowing that I love you, right where you are. You do not have to do one single thing for me to love you out of this darkness. Just sit here and let me love you into my light.

That was the end of my journal entry.

Life is a balance of doing what is right when it is right to do it and taking moments to allow God to heal our brokenness. All too often our churches focus so much on serving, you have to find your place to serve, you have to give back to God for all He has given to you, you have to….you have to….you have to. Sometimes it’s ok just to sit and let God love you back to wholeness. Even Jesus was ministered to by the angels after his temptation in the dessert. We were never meant to give, give, give until we are empty or to give, give, give when we are so broken that all we are giving is shattered pieces. We cannot equate service with relationship. God’s number one goal is to have a relationship with you. That cannot be solely accomplished through serving. The quiet, still moments with the One that loves us in our brokenness is where the relationship is truly nurtured and where we feel and find His love!

Let Me Love You – a song by Third Day

Ever since the world around you shattered You’ve been looking everywhere for something more Sometimes you feel like your life doesn’t matter But it does, I tell you it does, oh yeah

Come on let Me love you now Come on let Me love you And hold you through the storms I will keep you safe and warm

Come on let Me love you now Come on let Me love you And kiss away your tears I will always be here Come on let Me love you

Yesterday you found your heart was broken And tomorrow doesn’t leave much room for hope Today you’ll find that My arms are wide open And My heart, My heart is full of love, oh yeah

Come on let Me love you now Come on let Me love you And hold you through the storms I will keep you safe and warm

Come on let Me love you now Come on let Me love you And kiss away your tears I will always be here

Give up on all the other things Cause My love can bring you more And if you take a chance on Me I’ll give you what you’re looking for

Come on let Me love you now Come on let Me love you And hold you through the storms I will keep you safe and warm

Come on let Me love you now Come on let Me love you And kiss away your tears I will always be here

Come on let Me love you Oh, come on let Me love you Oh, come on let Me love you, yeah Come on let Me love you