I Surrender

Matthew 16:24-25 (The Message) Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?

Did you miss me? Or even realize I was gone? It’s been a minute since I’ve posted anything. I’d love to say that my life has just been oh so busy and filled with doing things for the Lord that I haven’t had a moment to write. However, that would be untruthful. Yes, my part of the world has experienced two major hurricanes and that did keep me occupied for a while, but that is not the reason I haven’t written. I’m going to get really real in this post and I know what you are thinking, “like how much more real can you get?” Well, buckle up buttercup as we like to say in my part of the country.

I’m not sure if you remember, but my last post was over my struggle and addiction to food. I just reread it and it is still a very sensitive subject for me. It is extremely difficult to face those facts. However, I wrote a prayer at the end of the post that God would never stop pursuing that issue in my life and He has not stopped. After I wrote that blog my nephew’s wife gave me a book called “Made to Crave” by Lysa TerKeurst. I would love to say that I sat down and read it immediately. However, that also would be untruthful. I sat the book on my end table next to my chair and tried to ignore it. I knew what would happen when I started to read it. I would have to make the choice to do what God had been pushing me to do for years. I wasn’t ready to do it. I did try to pick it up once and only read the first few pages and put it down again. I’m not sure if this will make sense, but it made me angry. I had gotten to a point in my disobedience and rebellion that any reminder of what I knew I needed to do was making me angry. I ignored that little book that my niece had given me out of love and it convicted me every time I glanced at it. Until this week. I’m not sure if it was due to someone saying a particular prayer for me that prompted me to pick it up, but I started reading it a few days ago and BAM…God broke through.

Every sentiment I expressed in my last post has been in this book. I’m sure that’s what prompted my niece to give it to me. I have to admit the angry feelings haven’t fully gone away. I asked God why I am so angry, because it wasn’t fully making sense to me. He led me to read Jonah. Especially the part where Jonah got angry that the people of Nineveh were actually listening to his message and repenting. I realized that sometimes even when we surrender, we still get angry at the results or at what we know we must do. I am angry at a few things, but mostly that I have gotten myself into a position that is making this the biggest, hardest assignment that God has ever asked me to do. I am angry that I can’t enjoy food like a normal person, that I now have to treat certain food as an addictive drug and give it up forever. I am angry at the dangerous position I have placed myself in with my health. However, through all that anger, as I read Jonah, some scriptures from Chapter 2 grabbed ahold of my resentful heart.

“I called out of my distress to the Lord, And He answered me. I cried for help from the [b]depth of Sheol; You heard my voice.

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“So I said, ‘I have been expelled from [d]Your sight. Nevertheless I will look again toward Your holy temple.’

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“While [h]I was fainting away, I remembered the Lord, And my prayer came to You, Into Your holy temple.

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But I will sacrifice to You With the voice of thanksgiving. That which I have vowed I will pay. Salvation is from the Lord.”

God spoke His truth to my spirit. I had been Jonah. He had given me a task and I had gone to Tarshish. I just thank His loving heart that He didn’t have me swallowed by a whale. I guess this little book has been my metaphorical whale. Now I am at the spot where I MUST surrender everything. I must surrender my addiction and curse. I have no idea why I am holding onto it like it’s a good thing I’m afraid to lose. But here I am, at the precipice of a scary cliff yet again with God. I know once I surrender that my burden will be lifted and joy will return with the morning, but it’s still a scary place. Pray for me as I walk through this journey of surrender. Pray that God will unhinge my death like grip on these heavy burdens so that I can surrender all. Hopefully this over the top, raw revelation can help someone with some area that they are fighting to surrender, and God can free us all from our prisons we have built for ourselves.