Beauty From Ashes

Isaiah 61:3 (NASB) ~ To grant those who mourn in Zion, Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting. So they will be called [a]oaks of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

I’ve shared my testimony more times than I can count, and one of the biggest parts of my testimony is the sexual abuse I endured when I was 9-10 years old. It was at the hands of one of my friend’s dad. He was a trusted figure in my life, someone I looked up to as a father figure. He was one of those dads that spent a great deal of time with us and I thought that was amazing, until the abuse started. Then I realized his attention was something I didn’t want or need. I spent my entire childhood and quite a bit of my adulthood dealing with the aftermath of that abuse. If you have suffered through this, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you have not, the only way I can describe it is shame, pain, ugliness, and despair. It makes you feel dirty, as if you deserved it because you didn’t say no. A lot of my rebellion was me running from that pain. I wanted something to cover it up or mask it, so I didn’t have to deal with it. After I surrendered everything to Christ, I would share this testimony of how I forgave this man that abused me, and honestly, I really thought I had. That is until he showed up on the front pew of my church as I sang in the choir. I was horrified. All of that shame, pain, ugliness and despair came flooding back into my spirit like a tidal wave that had been ignored for a while. I went to my pastor with the excuse that I wanted to protect the kids in our church. I told him about the abuse, and he told me something that revolutionized my life, and honestly, was the catalyst for setting me free from the tidal wave of grief.

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He told me that sometimes people hurt us so deeply that it is impossible for us to forgive them in our own flesh.

He said that we have to ask the Holy Spirit to forgive them through us.

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I went home a little perplexed. I had never heard this before and didn’t even know how it would work, but that night I fell on my knees and told God I no longer wanted to carry this pain. I wanted to let it go and I wanted to truly forgive him. I asked God to allow the Holy Spirit to forgive my abuser through me. The next day as I drove home from work, I had an overwhelming desire to go see this man and tell him I forgave him. I not only told him that I forgave him, but that God would forgive him too, if he would only ask. As we talked, he told me he didn’t think he could do what I had done. I told him it was only through Christ that I was able to, but I left with the impression that maybe he had suffered something in his life that had caused the same pain that I had carried. The moment I walked away from him, every ounce of the shame, pain, ugliness, and despair was released from my soul. I felt a lightness and a wholeness that I had not felt since I was 10 years old. It was as if God reached into my heart, took out every piece of the ugly, and replaced it with unimaginable beauty. I cannot explain how God did this in my life. I can only say it happened. He loves us so much that He wants to take all of our garbage, all of our heartaches, all of our ugly and give us beauty for ashes.

I had a friend of mine share an analogy with me once that fits this subject perfectly. He said when we first get saved, our hearts are like a field that is scattered with rocks and stones. In order for God to begin to plant his seeds of beauty in your heart, He has to clear the field. He starts with the small stones on the surface and eventually starts to dig deeper to remove the bigger rocks. Occasionally, He comes across a huge bolder that causes us some pain when He starts to loosen it. Sometimes the pain is so great that we tell Him no.. don’t touch that one. He is a gentlemen. He will not force us to allow Him to remove it, but unless it is removed, He cannot completely plant His seeds in our heart. He cannot do everything He has planned to do in our life. That is the picture I have when I think about Him healing my pain of abuse. It was such a big bolder that it was almost devastating to allow Him to remove it, but after He did, I honestly can’t believe it took me so long to allow Him to do it.

Do you have a secret pain? Do you have a by gone abuse or heartbreak that you’ve buried for so long that you dare not even bring up the subject for fear the tidal wave will overwhelm you? Have you become numb to the pain? Have you found ways to cover it up and hide it? Would you like to be free? Truly, finally completely free? Simple answer. Talk to God. Ask Him where to start, and be willing to allow him to heal you. Your freedom is waiting!